Was bleibt ist Finsternis, ein Schauer von dir, hilft nicht mehr viel... es bringt mich um.
'Totgeliebt' (Dead Love) - Tokio Hotel

Translation (includes title): With every line, a feeling dies. What remains is darkness, a look from you doesn't help much anymore... it's killing me

I keep singing this song over and over and over... @_@ I did before everything went downhill, so is that some weird kind of... karma for being happy and singing an emo song? I'll never know xD

Hrmm... I'm making sure no one will read this and knows who I speak of *checks friends* OK I dun think so... xD

Alright! It starts with Jacob. As many know from my deviantart journal of the last day of school, we said goodbye, hugged, kissed, cried, etc... well, he called me, and he's moving like... this week. From how I know HOW he feels about me, who his friends are, and where he lives, there's a really good chance that I'll never see him again. Last night, I got on deviantart to do a tag thingy that Brad wanted me to do, and well, guess what was on the front page?

A POEM
this is it (scroll if you dun wanna see xD):
I still remember
The way you smell
The cologne that’s you
How I would breath in
Whenever we hugged
We were just friends
We are just friends
And always and forever
Will be just friends
We always knew each other
But our paths didn’t cross
And when they finally did
You had to leave me
I still read the text message
The one you sent me
Right before you left me
“I love you
I’ll miss you like no other
It’s so damn hard
Leaving this place!”
And I wonder
Wonder about the future
The future that will never be
Would we have left behind
The just friends
And become much more
And I wonder
How true those words are
How much do you love me
Did you actually miss many
Did you miss others more than me
Are there other people
Who made it so hard
Other people you left behind
And I wonder
Do you still miss me
Do you still think of me
Will you forever remember me
I can still feel you
I can still see you
I miss your smile
I miss the moments
Those moments when you
Would sit down right next to me
Extend your hand
Offering the headphone
And listen to the music
When we knew that a good bye
A final goodbye was coming
You would let us listen
To A Thousand Miles
And I felt how true those words were
I wish so many things
I wish to see you again
I wish to walk a thousand miles
And see you waiting for me
Waiting for a hug
Waiting to listen to the music
The music that brought us together
I remember the last time
The last time we would see each other
How we were up at the elementary school
And you sat in a swing just like me
Freshmen enjoying the swings
And how we chased one another
The smiles on our faces
Forgetting for a moment
That this was the final moment
I still remember
How as I was leaving
You ran down the hill
And gave me one last hug
Every time I walk by your house
I have to stop and remember
Remember your scent
Your smile and your laugh
Your wonderful voice
And remember that you’re gone
As I stop my tears and dry them
I wish it could have been this easy
To stop you from moving away
As much as it hurts to remember
I hope I never forget you
And I hope you never forget me
I miss you so much

Forgetting for a moment that this was the final moment
*tears start to fall*

I miss him so much. He told me all year that he was moving in April, then April come, the date was moved. I told myself I wouldn't cry when he left, then he showed up the day after the 'move'. He told me how the date was now in May, so we had one more month. I was so happy then. I spent everyday as much as I could. We didn't argue as much. When we watched movies to pass by time in German, I'd lay my head on his shoulder and we would pass notes or just poke each other or listen to his ipod. I didn't cry in April, but my heart couldn't take it on May 25th, not feeling I'd never see him again, just like I did April 23rd. I knew that the date wouldn't be moved, and even if it was, it was the last day of school.  When the bell rang to signal the end of the day, we held hands and walked as fast as we could so we could go tell some friends bye, then we walked down the steps to the front of the school, where my sister's car was waiting. We walked over, I set my things in, sat in the seat and he said hey to Angela. The people were rushing us and I said, 'Jacob, I have to go.' He looked down, his face sad, and leaned down to hug me, kissing my cheek, i doing the same to him. He said, ' Tabby, I love you so much!' and squeezed me. My eyes started to water more because I knew it'd hurt, but not quite that bad. It was worse. So much worse. I said, ' I love you too.' and i got in the car fully, he said bye to Angela, and of all the time I've known him, this was the first I had seen him cry. His eyes were red and he closed my door, waved, and we drove off. That was the last time I saw him. That night, I had a Tool concert in Pensacola, which took my mind off of him for a good ... 3 hours? xD I come home and while I was changing clothes, I looked up and saw a picture I have of us and I started crying again |D That is 1/2 the reason why I am sad.

The rest is out of jealousy and envy... xD I would explain, but I will not.

Some people know what has happened to me, and that makes things really tough right now. go check out my deviantart journal.

NOW! Moving on...

I have an older sister (friend of the family) who is 28, leading a completely free life. I love her, she tells me she loves me, but I am put in a pickle.
I have a step mom whom I do NOT respect AT ALL! I hate her. I hate my dad. Brittney is 2 faced and she manipulates my dad. 

One time, my brother called him back when my mom was REALLY fucked up in drugs and he was like 'Daddy we're hungry' and my Dad said it was his bedtime. HIS BEDTIME. I mean, WTF!?!? that's how many situations are... and Britt, Christmas of 2005, told Dad that I was asking for condoms for Christmas, when I wanted ONE for a JOKE for my friend's gift!! AND! She told me my grandmother was saying that she was pissed because I didn't thank her for my birthday present, when I sent her 2 thank you cards because she didn't reply to the 1st, and I even got a calling card to call her. When she came down that summer, I sat down with her one morning and I cried to her saying 'I tried to tell you thank you.' and everything and she had no clue what i was talking about. O_O

ANYHOW! My sister, my mom, and I were in the store and we were talking.

Angela: 'Hey, Tabby, do you think you could come next weekend with me to your Dad's? I was going to go over there and they wanted to see you."

Me: "Uhm, no. I don't like going over there."

Angela: "Oh well they really wanted to see you. I was just wanting to know if you wanted to go over there. Why don't you go?"

Mom: "She doesn't go over there because she doesn't want to."

Me: "*goes on to explain the problems stated above and goes to explain how she shouldnt hang out with them.*

AND SHE GOES OVER THERE FOR PILLS!! I messaged her on myspace because I saw Britt left a comment about how Angela stayed the night:

'Hey Angie Gayle,
Have I mentioned lately that I love you!! You are such a sweet girl and I value our friendship. Thanks for spending the night and keeping me company! You rock..See you tonight! Have a great day at work. '

there are many more <_<

but i messaged her and she told me to call her and I did. She explained how she went over there for the pills and that she was sorry. she told me 'if you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore, i understand. but I love you ' so it wound up with us both crying and stuff. THEN APPARENTLY --- SHE TELLS BRITT! I went to go post a comment to tell her that I went and stayed at a guy friend's house, and I find this: 

'Hey Angela!!!
You are in my living room but I wanted to send you a post anyway to tell you I love you!! You are such a sweet friend. I am so sorry youre having to go through so much drama with some of your family over our friendship. Hopefully they'll understand!!!I'm sorry you have to " explain" anything... Stay sweet!!! Love ya...Lets do the beach Sunday!!!! '

I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I am SO MAD!!!! I don't want to quit talking to her because i love her so much, but i mean, what the hell?

I'm thinking of sending Britt this message:

'Brittney,

This is really making me mad. I am going to be very honest with you because I am an honest person: I want you to stay out of what me and Angela talk about. It is none of your business, even though you are the main cause of her having to 'explain' or whatever. I have known Angela longer than you have and I will be damned if you step in and mess what we have up. I understand that it may be 'me' who messes it up, but that's at the surface. You are the cause of it! I do not respect you, my father, nor anyone who associates with you. The whole reason I don't come over is because I don't WANT to come over. If my dad wants to spend any time with me, he would take initiative to call me and ask me why I haven't come over, and he'd come get me to spend time with me. He could come over and we could talk or just go to the park, find something to do. But NO! We have to go over there, which is why I don't come over. '

i mean... I REALLY NEED HELP!!